For some reason for the last few days I all of a sudden was just angry with everyone and everything. I feel like that I am gonna blow up on everyone and its like that everything someone says or does seems to irritate me. I hate being around ppl. I just felt like staying to my self but that could also be becuz wut happened to me in the last few days. I was talking to a frnd and she wasnt going with what I was saying, ususally I would be ok with that but for some reason it was really hitting me and I felt like getting into a fight. For soem reason it was just killing me adn i felt like hurting someone and breaking someones leg or hand or etc. I was also pissed off at my roomates for the last few days and I felt like snapping at them but I kept my cool cuz i knew that it wouldnt be rite of me but I still felt like it. I no that by doing this I would be losing frnds but I feel like this new year is gonna be even worse. Things are gonna get way worse b4 things ever get better. Its how are and gonna go for a long time. Its better to accept than resist it. I just feel so angry, it seems that all the anger that I had suppressed all these days during the break is slowly coming out and breaking loose. Lets face it this year has been the worst and the vacations have been even more shittier than usual and the beginning of school in this situation isnt helping anyone. I just wanna get over everything and finsih this year and say gud bye to everything. Things have just been depressing and I want something that will change that make my life better and just happier.
I used to think it was true when they say your high school frnds are frnds with u for no use and are just ur frnds but ur uni frnds are frnds with yo for a reason. But things changes and so we do and wut we think. It has been over a year since i saw any of my high school frnds and the only way I have been in contact with them was bu the only ways possible facebook, msn and eamils sometimes. But there is only so far that you can do to keep in touch with ur frnds. There is that physical factor that must be there. That hand shake or that hand motion and and just physically be there. I cant say that I was a bit disappointed but i was just blown awaya bit. I lost contact with some frnds which I knew would happen but thena gain i was hoping to keep in touch with the others but it never happened and as the days went by and days turned into montsh and then turns to months and then it turned into a whole year. I made on of the biggest mistake of thinking that things would stay the same with us cuz i did i still view them as close and as close as I did the day I left them. But it seems that I was the only one that thought that and felt that way. I started talking to a close frnd of mines and i cant blieve that she sed i wasnt her close frnd but just a frnd. Another very close frnd who i thought was dear to me had just ditched me and stoppped talking to me. The guy didnt even wish me on my freakin birthday, and that hurt me. So one by one im losing my frnds, its not like i want to and i can keep them but that would mean that i would have to do maximum of the work to make sure that we remain frnds. So now im faced with the delimma of having to work to keep to those frnds to letting them go to, on top of that there is also the fear of losing more frnds.
My frnd Sayeed is a very out going person. He is a very social person and knows alot of people in his university. He goes out and chills but on top of that he is one of the studious students. He goes clubbing and has very few bad habits, if you have to name them, he has non worth mentioning.. He is a very honourable person and has a ear to lend all the time. He practically listens to everyone and he also gets to know about them very quickly, he gets to know about the happy things and also the sad things in their life. But here is where the interesting part is no one knows anything about him. No one knows wut his favourite colour is his favourite food or anything. Its like he is a complete mystery to his frnds and the ppl around him. He had this stone wall, shield around him preventing ppl to get to know him and he was always afraid of letting anyone get close to him. But one day he surprised me. He told me he met a girl and they started to talk on a regular basis, my first thought was that he found someone to share his life and he must be definately interested in her but the truth was actually they were just gud frnds and there was nothing more to it and it was not going anywhere. There was something that was bothering him, he was surprised how open he was getting with her and this had come as a surprise to him but at the same time he was excited and happy that he could share his diff aspects of his life with her. Theytend to talk with each other alot and whenever they talk he tends to want to let her know everything about him. At the moment he is happy with his decision and feels Happy that he can talk to someone and that he can express himself with someone who likes to listen to him. But he also is afriad if things dont turn around and hopes that he doesnt regret his decision about opening up.
I met a very interesting person. She has made my life quite interesting, not to say a bit complicated. Ever since then lets say it has been a roller coaster of a ride. She is a very kind headed person and for some reason really thinks very highly of me even though im not. She is nice and always there to help or there to led a helping hand. She is one of the most intellegent students I have seen and comes from a very decorated background. But she is very humble about it and for some reason doesnt brag about it like the usually kids, hell even i brag wenever i do anything. She is every dedicated about what she does and also makes sure that she puts in a 100% effort when doing things. She also has a very good policy of not lying to anyone and has been honest with me so far. I was surprised how open she was with me and I got to know her very well in a small period of time. She is a bit gullable and fun to chil with. She is a very good listener and known for her listening skills. She is also very emotional and feel guilty about things even though she shouldnt very easily. She very modest and a very caring person. She cares more about others than she cares about herself and there are very few ppl left who are liek this these days and hard to come by and for that reason i will always cheerish the friendship I have with her. I hope I stay friends with her for many years to come. Her principles and ethics are very admirable and she will keep to them and i say hats off to her. She has no bad habits that I know of so far. She has done some pretty funny stuff and she thinks that she has complicated my life but I like to say that she has just made it a bit more entertaing than usual and less dull. I dont regreat meetin her even after alot of the things she has done to me. Im glad she is in my life.
I have been going through this delimma at the moment and i really dont no what to do about it. Everything seems to be going in that way which im looking at but remember that even though is seems like choclate and smells like choclate chances are that it is choclate but on the off chance and for me it usually happens it isnt choclate. and thats y im not sure if i should go full swing into it and go all out. But im just confused about this situation so lets see.
This summer hasnt been the best for me. It was full of disappointments, one after the other. Yes i have accomplished some stuff but it wasnt enough to over weigh the cons. It has been a shitty 4 months and uni is around the corner and only God knows wut im in for this year. I had work alot for a job interview and showed them that I had wut they needed but for a stupid reasons i was not take and that really ticked my off. So the moment i heard i didnt get the job i hooped on a bus to see my best frnd as he was in another town for only like 2 days. I took the midnite bus to not waste the day. I had no sleep but i traveled another 2 hours by bus to go and see him. I did this for the 2 days which he was there cuz he is after all my best frnd. But now here is where i question somethings, will he remember wut i did for him i did all that spent energy, money and time which i cud have easily toosed or saved away.
Will he do the same for me if the situation presents his self. Since i had alot of disappointments this summer i have started to questions everything. A wiseman once sed, Never do a favour for a frnd unless he is giving u something in return and also try to make sure u get the return b4 u do the favour. I used to be like that guy is screwed in the head cuz thats just something to stupid to say but the truth is that sometimes i actually thinkthat crazy old man was rite. I should start questioning everything. Then this other guy who i thought i can trust and who has come to become a dear frnd has become like all screwed over and i get the feeling that i cant even count on him is something were to happen and i really need some help.
Here is one of the things i like to day that no one will ever come to live with and that one thing is disappointment. Its like one of the worst feelings to have. Its even worse wen we actually start expecting thing. When u are expecting things to work out and nothing to go wrong and all of a sudden the naked truth finally hit you. This summer was a huge disappointment, i had not expected anything from it but i feel so disappointed with whatever happened to me this whole summer and its almost over. Its like one worst summers i have had in my life, there is nothing at the moment that cud beat it. I only had like 2 or 3 things that i really expect and hoping that wud come true but unfortunaletly i was turned down and it all wen to shit and that feeling is like something that you can ever get up from. Its like they say u fall down so u can pick urself up but sometimes when u fall down its not easy to get up and then u question y the hell should you get up? Wuts the use of getting? wut is the use of even trying to get up? Yeah someone may say its abt moving forward and etc but wuts the use of moving forward? If you wake up every day thinking wut the hell am i even getting up for? Wut is the use of me getting me up? Is the world going to stop spinning? I think not, then u walk out the door thinking of things to do but as with any plan u will be like wut the hell, nothing is turning out the way u wanted it to and then u ask urself y the hell do u even have a plan wen u no that is gonna go to waste? Isnt it better to just maybe walk out the door and wing it? See wut life throws ur way? yeah u may want to go out and get wut u want? but if u dont get wut u want and yeah u can say no matter wut, if i want something then i get it well sorry to put a end ot the cinderella story cuz u dont no matter wut the hell u may do. If we all got wut we wanted then we wud be happy and i wud not be here writing this blog now wud i???? I wud be skipping to the grandmas place without any thing on my mind and just do wutever. But sorry there is a fucking wolf at grandmas place so fucking get prepared to get fucked and that oo hard.
Ppl say that life is an amazing thing and that its beautiful but why is it we are bore crying? If life is all that y are we crying, y is our spirits, hearts, bones and etc broken? We all have to die one day and it is predetermined, now the question could be to decide how we die? With honour or as piece of shit. Now u just have to make that choice.
Y is it that when ppl need things that I am always there for them but wen it comes down to my time they are never down. Yes they try their best but something comes along and blocks them from helping me out, now y is that? Even if they want to help me something out of their control comes in the way and they are left out saying that sorry dude, u know I wud have if that hadn’t come up or some shit like that. Like something always comes up that stops them from helping me out, even if its something external thing but with me even if there is an external problem i try to over come it. Like wut the fuck, and the thing is that I thought that even my closest frnds wudnt betray me in theat manner cuz i had always gone the extra distance for them. Yes they have done stuff but y is it that i am not satisfied? Do i expect too much from my frnds. I used to be tormented by these thoughts for along time but I used to put them aside and say that no its not like that and looked the other way and at the brighter side of things. I think I believe too much in the concept of give something and hope to get things in return. Is there something wrong with me. I am torn btw 2 sides on wut to do. I feel sometimes that my frnds arnt really my frnds, they sometimes become strangers to me and i feel like they don’t even know me and I don’t know them. Sometimes I feel like not talking to them and just staying away from them. Its true when they say that you are completely alone in this world, cuz you are. I feel pretty alone and that there is no one behind me. Yes spiritually ppl are there but come on for how long can u get support for a fucking spirit? Like seriously come on. At one point you will be like unless I literally have something to fall back on then i have no one and thats what i feel like at this very moment in life. I feel like there is no one that i can reply on and make sure that they are there to catch me. I have trusted and lost alot and as a result I am again afraid to trust and confide in others these days. At one point of them you feel like that the whole world has turned against you, im sure many ppl have had similar feelings and no what i am talking abt.
Maybe i think in my own way that i doo alot for other and if someone else looked at it then they wud be like yeah thats nothing compared to wut someone else did. Then again im not bragging that i do alot its just i ask ppl for things wen i need it or wen i really need things and then they are like yeah sorry i cant help you. The worst is when they give you the fucking hope and you are led on to believe that things will be going ur way when in a split second they say something and everything comes down crashing on you and you are like WTF. And then u just say FUCK OFF to them and maybe ruin the frndship all together. I used to be afraid of the and thats y i never used to speak out against my frnds and kept quiet cuz i didn’t want to lose the frndship btw us but then at one point it came down and I no long cudnt hold it in anymore and started to fight back and was tired of everything. Like wut the hell, we are frnds and you shud take my bullshit, sine ur my frnd i am willing to put up with ur bad habits and since we should be there in times of gud and bad you should be fucking able to do the freakin same thing or else this freaking frndship is just shit or just one sided. Yes one of u will keep in taking it until that person flips and cant take it anymore and just calls the thing off.
Am I being paranoid or something? Or do i just want more than life is offering me at the moment?
Human Kind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return to obtain something of equal value must be lost, that is alchemy’s first law of equivalent exchange
Moral fiber is finding that special thing in ur life, that thing u really care abt, more than anything else in the world. When you find her, u fight for her you risk it all, u put her in front of everything, ur future ur life all of it, and maybe the sutff u do to help her isn’t clean or enough, that doesn’t matter but in ur heart u no that the juice is woth the squeeze. THATS WUTS MOAL FIBER IS ALL ABOUT.
